(5) Miscarriage story
Tracy's Story
It was Thursday the 7th and I was at friends for supper, she was aware that my period
was late and told me to stop messing about and do a test. I was too scared to even hope that it might be true, I am thirty
six and have had lots of problems, but even though the doctors said it was possible I still had my doubts. “Go and do
it” she said, reluctantly I went and peed on the stick. Pink!!! It was definitely pink, we both stared at it and had
to agree it was pink. My friend took it to her other half and said, “that is pink isn’t it?” his face filled
with fear, “sorry, forgot to say it’s not mine”, with much relief he agreed it was pink. I was filled with
so many conflicting emotions I just couldn’t believe it. I rang my husband and told him, he was very shocked and excited
and after a few expletives said it was probably best to do another before we got our hopes up. When I arrived home we both
sat looking at the stick giggling, neither of us knowing what to think. The following morning I did another and as I watched
the blue cross appear I knew it was true. I didn’t feel any different and it all seemed totally surreal, as we started
to tell people it started to sink in, this is really happening. Everyone was so happy for us it was so great to have good
news to give to people, as we have had more than our fair share of problems in recent years, I was so happy to tell my ecstatic
parents that they would finally get what they have been waiting for and become grandparents. That was it, so I called the
doctor and booked an appointment with the midwife, it wasn’t for three weeks which was disappointing as I wanted to
see the baby now, I wanted to make sure it wasn’t a mistake, even though pregnancy tests don’t lie I still had
nagging doubts.
The following Tuesday evening the bottom started to fall out of my world, it was around 9 o’clock
and I went to the loo, blood! I started to panic then I remembered break through bleeding, spotting. I called my friend who
has had three children, “don’t panic it happened to me, it happens to lots of women, if it’s not heavy don’t
worry.”. Slightly reassured I went to bed. I told my husband and he said we will book an appointment tomorrow just to
get it checked out. I didn’t sleep and the following morning it was worse. The doctor got me an appointment at the early
pregnancy unit but it wasn’t until Monday so in the meantime if it got heavier I was to go to the hospital. Friday morning
there was lots of blood and I knew it was bad. I will do anything to avoid a hospital but this time I went willingly. I was
admitted and then scanned, “Your womb is empty”, four words I will never forget. I felt like my heart was being
ripped out, I wanted to scream, run away just do something that would change it.
Back on the ward I was told it may be ectopic as they saw some thing on my ovary, or just a
traditional miscarriage. There was no compassion in any of the medical staff, it was clear that they deal with it every day
and have no feelings about it, just one kind word would have made such a difference. We on the other hand felt that the world
had ended. I was told to come back in a few days for a blood test. The blood test was inconclusive so I had to go back for
more tests and scans, this went on for nearly three weeks, all the time I was bleeding and we were terrified that it was ectopic
and that it would rupture, my poor husband was watching my every move and the phone never stopped with my parents, family
and our close friends all worried sick. Then I was taken in again this time for yet another scan as I was still bleeding and
the hormone level hadn’t dropped enough, I was certain I would have to be operated on. We waited five hours in a waiting
room with women going in and out having their first scans, torture, to be told that it was ectopic but it was sorting itself
out! An answer, but not really what I wanted to hear.
Now we are just left with a huge gaping hole in our lives, some days I forget for a second and
then it hits me with such force that I think I will never stop crying. I feel this huge pressure to just get over it, but
I suppose that is understandable given most peoples response. Telling the people who love you is so hard, they all say that
they don’t know what to say and then give you a string of platitudes, I know it’s because they want us to find
something positive in what has happened, to help us, to try to easy the pain. But it takes time and at this point we are grieving
and nothing is positive. While I am at it do not say these things to a woman who has just lost her baby;
“You are young you still have time to have another”
“At least you got pregnant”
“You can have another”
“There must have been something wrong”
“Its god’s way”
“It’s the body’s way of preparing for pregnancy”
Just tell them that you are sorry, hug them and listen to what they want to say without offering
any of your wisdom, nothing you can say will change it, you can not fix it and lots of things you can say can really hurt.
The opinion seems to be that because it was early less than 12 weeks that it is not that big a deal, but that is not how it
feels when it happens to you. I always thought that I understood what it must feel like but I so didn’t. All of these
statements, and I can assure you that is mostly all you hear, are so terrible it feels like people are saying “what’s
your problem? Get over it you can do it again, you can just replace that one with another“. We know that they are right
in some respects and in time we may agree with what they say but when you have just lost a baby those are not the things you
want to hear. It is not that you have lost some cells, it is that you have lost the potential of what that child could have
been that you will never get the chance to hold it or cuddle it, or watch it take its first step, watch Charlie and the Chocolate
factory with it (I know it sounds mad but I cried for half an hour about that!). You have no body to bury, no words are said,
you are just left to resume normal life, but the problem is nothing feels normal now, nearly a month on the phone has all
but stopped ringing apart from my parents two of the most amazing people in the world and true friends and I am left. People
keep telling me it will get better and I know it will, a few times I have even laughed and then been filled with guilt, I
can see that it will get easier and I am sure we will get through it I am so lucky to have my husband, family and good friends
I don’t know where I would be with out them, they say time heals at this point I really hope so.
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share it with us Dawn's story
I had my first miscarriage in 2000, after 12 weeks. If I am honest it really didn't leave me too upset, my friend had one
a few months before so I knew that it happened and I believed it must have happened for a reason. I had my second six months
later at 16 weeks this one was harder to deal with because I was 16 weeks and I thought that things are supposed to be safe
by then. I had already started thinking of names and all that. I had a D&C (dilation and curettage – an operation
to ensure your womb has been emptied)
A month later I got pregnant again. I had some fertility treatment to help the baby to stick and the doctors put me on
hormones until I was 16 weeks. I had a little boy, the pregnancy was a very worrying time for me and my husband, especially
since I lost blood on and off throughout the nine months.
When our son was one we thought to try again, so we did and six months later I was pregnant but it didn't feel right from
the beginning. I started to miscarry and this was really hard to deal with because I had to look after our son and be a mum,
as well as grieving. I didn't handle it very well and, to be honest, I didn't think the doctors were very sympathetic. I was
quite depressed for a while and then, at the end, I started taking homeopathic tablets to help me relax a little bit (I recommend
them!) they worked straight away.
Believe it or not I am now 18 weeks pregnant and so far so good. The doctors put me on injections but unfortunately even
with all that, I know that I won't be able to relax and enjoy the pregnancy, I will only be reassured when the baby is in
my arms!
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share it with us Claire's story
It is nearly four years since I had a miscarriage and I thought I would share my experience. I realised that my period
was late and took a home pregnancy test, which was positive. I went to see my doctor, who wanted a urine sample to be sent
away to confirm my pregnancy. The first test came back negative, which I was told was due to the fact that you need to be
further on for the hospital test to be positive. I submitted a second sample, which came back positive.
I was fine then when I was around 12 weeks pregnant I had spotting in the night. I called my midwife the next morning she
suggested I came in. I had a scan and was told that they could not see anything. I went into shock I guess, but had to go
back later that day to get an internal scan to ensure that the first conclusion was correct. I was offered a D & C that
day, but I could not deal with it all and asked to come back the next day.
The next day I went back to the maternity hospital and was put in a room on one of the wards. As I waited to be taken to
theatre a nurse went into a room next to mine and I could hear her say “congratulations mum”.
I was told in the hospital that my miscarriage was the result of a blighted ovum.
This was my first ever pregnancy and I found it hard to deal with. I went to see my doctor after the miscarriage to get
signed off work and I hoped that my notes would have been updated by then, but they hadn’t and I had to go over everything
again. It was at this point that the doctor told me that I had not been pregnant. It is probably this one point that has hurt
more than anything else as I have always felt that maybe it is wrong to grieve and I have no right to feel the sense of loss
that I do. I am still angry when I think about it but I am helpless to do anything about it.
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share it with us Trisha story
My mum always says that “everything in life happens for a reason“. Sometimes that reason is obvious, sometimes
we will find out in the future and sometimes we will never know.
I was 18 and not in a relationship when I found out I was pregnant, as you can imagine I was in complete shock, I am not
saying it was an immaculate conception I know how it happened it was just the last thing I expected. I admit that abortion
crossed my mind but my moral beliefs would not allow it. I knew that with the support and love of close friends and family,
this baby could have a wonderful life. Having a baby would change my life but would certainly not ruin it.
In my mind I began preparing for motherhood as a single parent. My family and friends were fantastic and it was this situation
that made me realise just how much I was loved! However, 8 weeks into the pregnancy I noticed light bleeding. Looking back,
I realise that in my heart, I knew I had lost the baby but I didn’t want to believe it. I clung onto the fact that my
mum had told me how she experienced light bleeding for the first three months during her pregnancy. The bleeding got heavier
and I was taken in for a scan the next morning. As I lay on the bed for my ultrasound, I wished so much, more than words could
express, to see my baby growing and forming inside of me. To hear the nurses reassure me everything was perfectly normal and
to even feel a little foolish for making a fuss over nothing. Unfortunately, this was not to be
I blamed myself and desperately tried to work out what I had done wrong. Whilst upset I think my parents and family had
a sense of relief about it, I know that they were relieved because they wanted me to have a normal teenage life and not be
tied down with the responsibility of a child, but I wish that they would understand that just as they wanted the best for
me, I wanted the best for my child.
Over the next few weeks my emotions were mainly of confusion. Often, I believe an unplanned pregnancy which results in
pregnancy loss is harder to deal with as you have an emotional period to go through into accepting the pregnancy only to have
that taken away again. My grief for my child was agonising but I chose to keep it mainly to myself. Looking back this was
a mistake as it was only once I stated to talk that I started to accept what had happened and to come to terms with it, if
you can find someone to listen try talking it does help
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share it with us Michelle's story
In March I had just been for my first scan so I was about 12 weeks pregnant. We got terrible news that the baby wasn't
growing and they couldn't find a heart beat. I hard to descried how my husband and I felt as we were numb, I was taken to
have a D& C procedure and it was over, no one seemed to understand the pain we were in and we were given a string of platitudes,
it wasn’t meant to be, you are young, its gods way, etc. none of which helped and after a while made me quite angry.
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