I was 17 years old when i found out i was pregnant for the very first time. Although I never did a pregnancy test, i knew
i was pregnant. I felt changes in me. I felt a little different in some ways. I was told i was pregnant when i was in hospital.
I had been having some feelings of sickness and large amounts of pain for 2 months before going to the hospital. I still got
my period and those were the only times large amounts of pain would come. After my period, the pain would stop.
One
morning, the pain started up again in what felt like where my right ovary was. I was taken to hospital at 8:30am that morning.
Nurses and doctors did all types of tests and an ultrasound as well. One nurse came and said they did a pregnancy test and
it had come back positive. Next, came the ultrasound which was done vaginally. I could see on the screen and hear them talking
about how it could be ectopic and how my right ovary looked like a balloon as well as my fallopian tube. I was bitterly disappointed
and very hurt. I wanted this so badly. How could it just be taken away from me like this? What had i done wrong?
At
8:30pm that night, i was taken in for surgery. I begged and begged the doctors not to take my baby from me. Deep down inside,
i knew they had to. It wasn't their fault. They started to perform surgery but then had to cut me like a C-section because
there was so much internal bleeding in my abdomen that they couldn't see anything.
The next day, when the anaesthetic
had worn off and i was completely awake, i felt so empty. I wanted all of this to be a bad dream. To be able to wake up and
have my baby back inside of me again, growing again. To be told everything was normal.
I was discharged from hospital
4 days later. I have scars on my stomach as a constant reminder for the rest of my life.
I had a follow up consultation
with a nurse not long after being discharged and she confirmed it was indeed ectopic and that the baby was only about 6 weeks
in gestation. I knew they couldn't leave it in me, but it was also so painful for them to take it out of me at the same time.
I spent my 18th birthday recovering from my surgery which took my baby from me.
I don't hate the surgeons,
they were only doing their job. But i do still hate and blame myself. I have never gotten over this and i don't think i ever
will. I hate seeing pregnant people and people with children. All i can think of is, why do you get to have your babies when
i didn't? and, When will I ever get my baby?
I'm now 21 and still have not fallen pregnant again. I think about my baby every single day and i often cry for him as
well. I always believed it was going to be a boy. I always think how different it all could have been had i been given the
chance to have him.
